In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sunday
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!