So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
They must have gotten it to go.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Sharon I have some bad news
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.