[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.