“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”