DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
What even happened today?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit