Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.