Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Hotels are back
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.