ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I love art.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
What
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?