Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
The point of your 20s
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea