[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people