You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I can’t stop laughing 🤣