Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
is this a warning or an offer?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.