completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
oh my gosh!!
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to