I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
You Might Also Like
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
#StillHurts
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids