When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
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If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!