Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Well well well…
Potatoes were such a good idea