Where is that goddamn asteroid already
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.