Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps