Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Noted.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Carpe DM
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.