Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
That was easy.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
i hope my email finds you on fire
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Sorry. Not sorry
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold