Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back