*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?