If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
This is my brand.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,