Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.