Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin