Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
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*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
How to make infinite energy.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine