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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.