People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
cats when you pet them too long:
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie