The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Sign at work today
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew