Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Danger is very dangerous
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca