*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Who does Amazon think I am?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Had to try this trend 😊
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy