Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class