Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
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What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.