first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.