Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards