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My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
6. me as a lawyer
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Lmaoo 😂
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
new career option?