I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Covid like
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺