How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.