The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.