Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.