I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
You Might Also Like
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Breaking news:
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.