[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice