Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
My birthstone is kidney
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me