me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.