You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.