Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
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[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞