[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.