Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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Bruh PLEASE
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW