Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My blood type is b hungry.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Best table by far
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.