*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.